August 2016 Articles

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Finding Comfort in the Chaos of Change

Spiritual Corner
Finding Comfort in the Chaos of Change

There’s been a lot of changes for me this summer. For one, it’s been the first summer that I haven’t been in school or working in 6 years. I also got married in May of this year. On top of daily growing with my new husband, we also moved into a home we are renting and have started getting used to the reality of paying all of our own bills. All of these changes have been an adjustment, however, the most difficult change for me has been my change of jobs. I recently got hired to teach kindergarten at Junction City Elementary. I truly am so excited and couldn’t be more grateful to God and the administrators at Junction for the opportunity. However, with this new job comes the harsh reality that I will no longer be teaching 4th-6th grade at Union Christian Academy or coaching my basketball girls there.
God placed this article on my mind and in my heart about a month ago. Of course, I thought, “Man, I’m gonna be ahead of the game. I’ve already got an article topic and Mom and Dad don’t need the finished article until August 1st”. However, as I would sit and try to think of what to write, I realized that I couldn’t write the article…at least not yet. You see, the article was going to be entitled, “Finding Comfort in the Chaos of Change”. Now, I could write plenty about the chaos of change, but in that moment, I couldn’t write anything about finding comfort. Let me explain a little more. I have experienced so much “chaos” in my mind and heart since the official decision to leave UCA was made. UCA is filled with the most genuine and kind faculty and staff as well as some of the most unique and lovable students. The atmosphere is honestly equivalent to a large family. In my two years at UCA, I have grown close to so many people and I had created a home there. One of my coworkers in particular (you know who you are), became like an extension of myself. It was such an amazing thing to be able to come to work and feel that much love from a friend all day. However, the most difficult thing I’ve been facing is leaving the students. If you had asked me a year ago, or even two years ago, what the hardest thing I had ever done was, my answer would be, “Being a teacher”. I feel like most current teachers can attest to that. But y’all, this summer I have learned that that is not correct. The hardest thing for me is not being a teacher. The hardest thing I have ever done is leave a school and have to leave my students behind. If you’ve never had to do that, then just take my word for it. You see, the students I have had the privilege, and I emphasize PRIVILEGE, to teach are beyond special. I have built relationships with them like no other. I know that I have failed them so often as a teacher, but my failures have fueled me to work that much harder to be better than I was the day before. My students from UCA are a unique group and they all have such big hearts. I think about them so often. Every one of them has left an imprint on my heart. I carry these students around with me every day. Something happens and I’m reminded of something they used to say in class. Or someone mentions something that makes me think of a certain behavior they had in school. I speak of these students as if they are my biological children. I know my husband has heard enough about each of them that he could probably identify them in a classroom without any of my help. I’ve spent the summer with a dull, heavy ache that resounds in my heart every time it beats. This ache is accompanied by stinging tears that I struggle to hold back whenever one of my precious students pops up in my brain. I’ve spent nights in my husband’s arms crying to him. I’ve lamented to both of my parents at different times, as well as heartbreakingly confided in a best friend. I face the parents of these students and former faculty members by attempting to hide my emotions behind a mask of strength and a weak smile, when in actuality my heart is broken. These students are my babies, my kids. I’ve watched them fail and succeed, learn and grow. I’ve watched them laugh and cry, be disappointed and excited. They have made me laugh and cared for me when I’ve been sick or down. They have inspired me with their love for me and their love for God. These students will forever be a part of me. I find it only slightly coincidental that a pregnant woman carries a
child for 9 months and a classroom teacher teaches students for 9 months. I think this can also be symbolic of the teacher/student relationship. These students are like my children. I’ve carried them and they’ve carried me. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for them. They’ve made me a better person. I’d like to think that I’ve taught them a thing or two, but really…they’ve taught me and influenced me in ways I couldn’t ever fully explain.
Now that you know a little about my relationship with my past students, you may can understand why this article has been a difficult thing to me. Every time I would try to figure out what I was going to write, I could never conjure up what I would write about the being comforted part. I knew one hundred percent that I had to find comfort in God, however, with every passing day, I continued to find myself sad and distraught, all the while dragging around a broken heart. Throughout the whole process though, from the time the decision to leave UCA was made until now, one thing remained true…I prayed. I didn’t know how to find comfort from God. I tried looking in my Bible, I tried talking to loved ones. I tried to ignore the feelings of grief. I tried everything I could think of, but nothing seemed to work. Still, I prayed. Throughout every failed attempt at finding comfort, I continued to pray. I prayed without, what seemed to be, ceasing. When I would feel the tears coming, I would pray. When the pain would grip my heart, I would pray. When my kids would run across my mind as I lay in bed at night, I would pray. Whenever all seemed helpless, when I felt like I had let them down, like I’d betrayed them, I prayed, and prayed, and prayed. This has gone on for the whole summer and well over a month since I had come up with the article title. So I sat down last week to try to, once again, write this article. Once again, I couldn’t seem to pinpoint what I could write in telling another how to find comfort in the chaos of change. But suddenly…I realized something. In fact, God SHOWED me something. The pain from missing my kids was still there in my heart, but it had faded to a more bearable level. I knew that I would always miss them, but suddenly, God showed me that He had comforted me through this change. He was helping me to cope by slowly healing the wound. How had He done this though? And then the answer was clear. Through prayer. All summer I had searched earnestly for comfort. I had PRAYED earnestly for comfort, prayed in desperation, prayed in sorrow, prayed during times of excruciating heartache, prayed when I thought it would never get better. God had been answering my prayers all along. I had found comfort in the chaos of change through PRAYER. This revelation in itself was another huge comfort for me. It reinforced what I already knew about the power of prayer. God’s love for us is so unfathomable. He’s there working for you, for me, for that person you’ve been praying for. He’s there. He’s working on your requests. He may not always answer your prayers in the way you think He should or He may not always help you in the way you are wanting, but He’s there, working on your behalf. Just trust Him, turn to Him, CLING to Him, cry out to Him. Allow Him to comfort you. Allow Him to show you, yet again, how much He loves you. Build that relationship with Him. And if you’re like me, and you feel like your heart is about to burst, and you feel like your drowning in the deep, crashing ocean waters of change, then reach out to your Heavenly Father in prayer and simply sit back and allow Him to pull you from the angry waves. If you only trust Him, He will gladly allow you to walk across those raging waters to His open arms, and before you know it, you’ll realize that you’ve found all the comfort you’ll ever need amidst this chaotic world of change. Dana Bennett Alexander